I have recently made two big changes in my life:
First of all, I decided to start actively writing down and speaking aloud the reality that I wish to manifest, no matter how dreamy or unrealistic it may feel. Because fuck it, I need to know if the power of manifestation really works.
And secondly, I have also recently broken up with my boyfriend of one year.
So, in the spirit of heartbreak and manifestation, I decided to take the time to write down what I look for in a life partner. I feel juvenile making a checklist and writing it all out, but I want to take this opportunity to hold myself accountable for certain traits I know I need, want, and should avoid in a partner.
Worst case scenario, by publishing this article I perpetuate my single status for years to come. But that might be a blessing. I have always been one of those girls consistently in and out of relationships and flings. Having an abundance of men in my life has been a privilege, but it has also hindered me from focusing on the most important relationship in my life: the relationship with myself. So if I end up super single from this, maybe it is about time that I learn to be alone and fall in love with having a glass of wine with my own damn self.
Best case scenario, I publish this to find that the man of my dreams is real and is also totally down with loving the shit out of me.
Let me begin with the deal breakers; the part I have feared the most. I have resisted putting this in writing for so long because of one belief. "I will never find someone who isn't kind of really fucked up". I have believed this because, up until recently, I have had demons in my life that I needed to face but haven’t. So of course, the men I was manifesting have simply reflected all of the good, bad and ugly of myself, right back at me.
Writing the following list was very therapeutic:
Must have a balanced and respectful relationship with 'substances', 'drugs' and 'plant medicine'. This person partakes with intention, caution, and not on a regular basis. If this person has any sign of dependency or addiction, honey, you do not get my rose tonight.
Must treat me and every person in their life with tender, empathetic respect. No shit talking behind backs, no snarky remarks, no painful sarcasm, no condescending tone, no yelling, no verbal abuse, no cursing at anything with a heartbeat.
Must never, ever ever be or show any signs of being physically abusive.
Must be on good terms with their parents.
Must have NO feelings or loose ends with any previous partners. That's called foreshadowing.
Must not have sexist beliefs. We both pay, we both wear the pants, we both can be bread winners, we both can raise a child. It's 2018, equality is where it's at.
Must not have plans to permanently live somewhere or in a way that is completely irrelevant to how and where I see myself in life.
Must be an optimist. Pessimism is not productive.
I learned the hard way, with every single one of the points above. For a long time, I believed that love has the power to cure anything in anyone. That the fucked-up-ness of a person fades away when they are embraced with pure passionate and unconditional love. I love giving selflessly and seeing how happy it makes a person feel. But I also know now, that by staying with someone with any of the above qualities facilitates the very behaviour that I hope to heal by loving them. And by default, that also means that I neglect to see and work on my own faults. It is better to be alone, than it is to cheat on yourself.
NOTE: This does not mean you should feel ashamed about or regret past relationships. Love fearlessly, or it will never be real. You must fall, and pick yourself up again to learn to love and be loved. So fall. Know that the end of the relationship is not something to mourn but something to learn from. Don’t forget or regret. Forgive. Yourself and your partner. Hold on to the good memories and don’t lose hope in finding beauty again. Learn to see clearly, even when the love feels so good it is blinding.
This leaves me with a conundrum. I don't feel worthy of the kind of man who ticks off all of these boxes because I don’t tick off all of these boxes. But that is the point. I need to work on myself so I can be worthy of the partner I know I deserve. I need to keep working on my own struggle with smoking, exercise, eating healthy foods, and making money. I need to stop lying to myself and to others about what I truly feel. I need to check things off my bucket list, face my fear of driving a motorcycle, stop being such a home-body and buy that damn ticket to Thailand. I need to own my shit, cut the hypocrisy, and become the bad-ass woman that I know I am.
Aside from all of the heavy deal breakers, I am excited to see what the world surprises me with after putting this request out into the universe. Who doesn't love love? I'm looking for crazy butterflies, drool worthy attractiveness, heart throb late night text messages, and, "Oh my god, is life a dream?" feelings of gushy, fuzzy love.
THESE ARE THE QUALITIES I CRAVE IN A PARTNER. MAYBE HE EXISTS, AND MAYBE HE DOESN’T, BUT AT LEAST NOW THE WORLD KNOWS WHAT I WANT:
Can go on a stage and own it. Standing ovation, I'm in love.
Has crazy artistic talent, 'Paint me like one of your French girls.’
Can speak more than one language and/or is multicultural. Baby, let's travel!
Has a dog-whisperer connection with animals.
Has a dog-whisperer connection with kids.
Academic, intellectual, lover of learning. Ideal date: museum tour, followed by National Geographic and chill.
Take me to those scared places in nature that make us want to live off the land and read Thoreau.
Has a crazy passion for moving their body. Surf, yoga, running, dance, Tai Chi. I’m down.
Is a self growth junky. If you can quote Jim Rohn, Tony Robbins, Tim Ferris, Mel Robbins or Alan Watts, honey I am yours.
Is in tune with universal connectedness, god, source energy, divinity, nirvana, enlightenment, etc. I am not hung up on the label, more so on this person’s ability to have faith and an ability to listen to their higher intuition.
Tall, tatted, bearded, muscular, hairy, handsome, yes please.
Has a stellar sense of fashion. I love that "I know this looks crazy, but just watch me pull it off and make it look like I'm straight off the runway" attitude.
Is selflessly kind and generous. Take me on a date to a soup kitchen. Walk home barefoot with me because we gave away our shoes. Let's play a game of 'who is nicer', winner pays for dinner.
Shameless romantic. Frank Sinatra, candles, surprises, long hand-written love letters, make a playlist of ‘our songs’, fall asleep whispering sweet nothings in my ear, slow dancing in the kitchen at 1am because you know I had a bad day and this will make me smile. Plan a picnic with champagne and a view.
Business smart. Talk to me about your sales pitch, run lines with me before my speech, tell me about how you kicked ass at work and how you plan on investing money into your next big project. Prove to me you are an entrepreneur with the amount of hours you work and not with your Instagram bio.
Spill your guts. Bare your soul. Confess the repressed. Let’s go there. Let’s dive so deep we feel as though we have verbally stripped ourselves naked because we can. Call me because you need a good cry and because I love nothing more than to listen and let you know that you are still so loved.
To summarize, I need to work on myself and raise my standards for both who I am and who I choose to be in a relationship with. I am so excited to dive into this journey of self-love and growth, just as much as I am excited to fall in love again. Though it may sound like it, I'm not looking for perfect. But I am challenging myself to be patient, and trust that love only gets better.
I believe in you. I love you. #letskickass
Photo by @stefancikphotography