I woke up early, before the sun had fully risen above the mountains, and I went for a long run. I felt splinters of pain shooting up my abdomen not even a kilometer in. “This will pass,” I told myself. I ran past a construction site where the workers hooted and whistled, “Guera!” I wanted to throw rocks at their faces, but instead I focused on a far off stop sign and how with every step, I drew closer.
I got home and took a cold shower and sang until I was crying. I made up the words as I went…
“I’m getting more blankets, you’re not here to keep me warm.
I’m getting more blankets, for me and my broken heart.
You’re all that I think about, and you’re all that I see.
But I can’t see the world with you beside me”
I sat down on my bed to do my daily journaling.
“3 things I am grateful for:
- I am thankful for the palazzo pants Dorothy gave me
- I am thankful for last night’s journaling
- I am thankful for Dad and how open he is with me
3 things ‘I am’
- I am enough
- I am getting paid to travel the world
- I am in the best health of my life
I remember feeling relieved as the storm of heartbreak began to calm. The waves had died down and in the far off distance my destination appeared. An island, that no one else could see. The winds ceased and it dawned on me that it was not going to return. If I ever wanted to arrive, I had to start rowing.
I deep cleaned my house. I scrubbed away all of his smells, and I put all of the memories in a box next to the front door. I cried. Tears of sadness and joy as I washed the clothes that I wore on the last day we kissed. I remember walking away from his house and looking back to see if he was watching me. I turned up the volume on my speakers and tried to drown out my thoughts.
That night I went to my neighbor’s house to chat about our days. He served me CBD tea to help me with my withdrawals from quitting smoking, and to help with the stress in general. I brought my camera and he took these photos.